"Good afternoon ladies of gentlemen, and please allow me to introduce myself. I am Barack Obama. For the past 9 months I've been President of the Untied States of America, and let me tell you what that means.
But first let us go way way back in time. Even before Franklin Theodore Roosevelt bombed Pearl's Harbor, even before Henry Ford invented the car. You America haters have pretty much gone it alone, and by America haters I mean everyone sitting out there in the audience, and that includes the American press. Sure, Jimmy Carter tried and sure again William Washington Clinton did his level best to disgrace America, but I'm here to tell you that at long last you've got a friend in the rectangle office. You've got a friend because I personally hate America even more than you do.
This ain't no peanut farmering, no screwing ugly white women behind the water cooler, hell I've got my own ugly black woman and one beast is enough for any man to handle at any given point in time. All that stuff would do is divert my attention away from truly dissing America, truly screwing America, because my baby step days of merely apologizing for America are over with and it's time to get down and dirty.
In a few months I'll have totally fucked a full one-sixth of the American economy with my Obamacare, so hang in there, and someone give me an AMEN. In a few months I'll have surrendered in Afghanistan, so hang in there. And beginning TODAY I'm pushing climate change until the United States is fucking broke and I do mean busted, so how's about that AMEN?
And in a few MORE months it'll be a quart of skim milk, an ultra-sized bottle of hair straightener, one large, seedless watermelon...
Fuck. Ha, sorry about that. Michelle accidentally slipped her shopping list into my teleprompter shit, but you get my gist.
And the next sound you hear from America, listen closely my fellow America haters. Because that'll be the sound of it all being flushed down the tubes.
Thank you very much, and may Adolph bless you all."
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