Sunday, May 14, 2006

An Open Response To A Friends' Query

"...Thinkikng (sic) of someday going to Borneo or someother out of the way place someday..."

Borneo is bigger than Texas. Hotter, and the jury is still out, but I'd hazard a guess to say somewhat less civilized. Lots of coal, plenty copper, a diamond and gold mine or two. It's a smugglers haven, and many ships that come to wreck in the Celebes Sea, or further south in the Makassar Strait, find their cargo washed ashore as far north as the Turtle Islands.

There are pirates aplenty that patrol and prey upon this the third largest island in the world, small and speedy skiffs, to ancient junks laden with automatic weapons, and maybe even an old mortar or two. If they board you, all of your belongings are now belong them, and you're sold, ransomed, eaten, or toyed with until they lose interest. If you manage to make it inland you can try to buy or trade your way into Indonesia proper, or Malaysia perhaps, and once near a real city you stand a decent enough chance to make it to something resembling an embassy. The moslems of this part of the world are not as militant as their brethren in the Middle East, but they stage enough kill-infidel rallies to make things interesting.

If quizzed by someone unknown to you, never admit you're an American, and never stroke the fur of a female Orangutan. These things you should never forget. It may very well take a swarm of little men to bring you down, but if it's the right season, those orange babes are too strong to fight so you'll need to use guile. Push comes to shove, stuff some leaves in your mouth and point to your stomach and she'll scamper away to find something better for you to eat.

Then run. Make as much noise as you can; shout, scream, stomp about. Never face one this way, but if your back's to a she, or even a he, they will believe you to have consumed something unagreeable and will allow a retreat so that you might eliminate the offending foodstuff in private. As you know, I'm a hair under 77 inches and over 20 stone but wasn't a match for one particularly amorous female, and bruised, battered, and bewildered, I barely escaped a fate worse than death by feigning an attack of vomiting, and while she was sporting what had to have turned into one helluva shiner, the ruse was my only way out because the next step would have been for her to kill then consume me, small pieces at a time.

If you stand in one spot for too long, everything in Borneo will try to eat you, and that includes the more secluded indigenous people, so until things get better regarding us and the moslems, I'd say don't go just for a visit because all things considered it's a lot to deal with.

Oh and yeah, the toiletries. Wait in line at a rest room, ANY moslem rest room in Indonesia or Borneo, and when you get to the front try not to look at the guy squatting over the hole in the floor. And when he arises then hands YOU the water hose and scrub brush, don't say I didn't warn you. Always look for a bathroom specifically designed for Americans or Europeans, OR, don't look right or left 'cause the Ladies Rooms are seperated from the mens by a 3' high wall and what THEY do with the hose and brush is not something the good Lord wants published, let alone seen.

There's more, lots more, but you get my drift.

And no, Jay. "A Query" is not what you think so don't go getting all huffy.

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