Miami Coach Bans Guns

CORAL GABLES — "Randy Shannon has issued a straightforward warning to his University of Miami football players:

Get caught carrying a firearm and your days as a Hurricane are over.

After two shooting incidents involving UM players last year, Shannon plans to enforce a "zero-tolerance'' policy regarding weapons.

"You get caught with a firearm, you're dismissed from the football team," UM's coach said Monday.

"They're gone. They know the rules. It's not hard rules. It's to protect them."

Asked about his players' constitutional right to own firearms, Shannon said: "I'm thinking about the University of Miami and the kids. When you have a firearm, there's a 50-50 chance that you're going to get hurt. So I said, 'Let's not put ourselves in those situations.'

"Make it a 100 percent chance that you're not going to hurt nobody and that nobody is going to get hurt."

Last July, UM safety Willie Cooper was shot in the buttocks by an unknown assailant outside his home in South Miami. Teammate Brandon Meriweather, who shared the home with Cooper, pulled a pistol from his pants and fired three times at the gunman, who escaped.

Police determined that Meriweather acted in self-defense, and no arrests have been made in the case."

Hold on a sec, I'm on the calculator. Times...divided by, carry the...minus...

HOLY SHIT.

There are over 200 million firearms in the United States.

That means 100 million of us are going to be shot this year!

Maybe more if we factor in the guns that actual criminals have! I mean, they should be using them to hurt people a lot more, right? And, does the coach really think that by banning guns, his players will toss their into a nearby lake?

We're doomed.

Looking up plane fares right now because England must be a helluva lot safer, and they kinda speak English.