Saturday, June 17, 2006

FORG'd...

Okay so my latest rant on FORG (Fat Old Retired Guy) and his Box O' Turds is online for maybe 10 minutes when I get an email asking what I'd do if the land and no-snoopy-neighbors issue were resolved to my satisfaction, and could therefore manufacture something akin to the Box, but as from a person with at least half a brain.

Quarter-brain is more like it, and the following is for entertainment purposes only, bears no resemblance to any person living or dead, and should never be tried at home.

Heh.

Back in the days when hollowpoints were new and sucked, a famous stakeout cop from the NYPD came up with a solution to making Hydra-Shoks actually work.

"We hit this one bastard five times before he 3D's* and I'm in on the autopsy so I see all 5 bullets come back out of the guy just like they went into the guy. Brand new with no mushrooms. It's early January and the same old story. Everybody with heavy coats so hollowpoints don't do shit. We're hanging around bored and I get so tired of ***** smearing chapstick all over his lips and grab the tube away from him. It's funny stuff, chapstick. Like a soft wax that turns hard when it gets cold but not too hard. ...So I drop a magazine and take out a bullet, then cram chapstick into the hollowpoint hole. Pack it in really good and clean off the tip, then do the same to another bullet then load them back into the magazine..."

Nothing happened that time or the next time, but the famous stakeout cop got his chance not that long afterwards. One shot to the back of the leg dropped a fleeing suspect and the famous stakeout cop waited in the Emergency Room to ask the docs if he could see the bullet they extricated from the felons hamstring.

"...And the thing was ugly, really ugly. The docs cleaned off the bullet because they thought it was them who greased it all up so I didn't get to see if any of the chapstick was left, but the bullet was as flat as a pancake with that obscene little dickie-point sticking straight up like all Hydra-Shoks do. It was as wide as my thumb and the wound was really deep and looked like someone reamed his leg meat all out. We all thought we were on to something and used that method to make hollowpoints expand in the winter time and it always worked as long as the chapstick filled the hole all the way..."

Stories such as this are legion. Human ingenuity stepping in when bad technology doesn't work. And chapstick wasn't the only thing used to create a deeper, wider wound channel, but this is a family blog, cough, so I won't give anyone the information that might cause them to experiment and cause harm.

But... if I could blast away at Fackler-Box type set-ups with impunity, you can bet your bippy I'd be re-familiarizing myself with as many of the old saws as I could remember, and passing along some INTERESTING information.

Modern hollowpoints work quite well, but what IF you coaxed them along?

*Definitely Done Dancing.

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