Sunday, May 10, 2009

Movie Review: Star Trek Troopers

Phasers On Dumb For Star Trek 90210

When writing a fictional story for young folk, one generally looks to, well, older folk, in order to at least dot the t's and cross the eyes.

But with the latest Star Trek feature film, the inmates are running the asylum. Or so it seems. One day, you see, James Tiberius Kirk is being disciplined for being an unruly cadet, and several days later is given command of the Enterprise, along with a promotion to Captain.

A Naval Captain is the equivalent of an Army or Marine Colonel, high rank indeed, and one not usually handed out like tissues at a save-the-baby-seals convention.

But it would be if 12 year-old's were writing the story. "Hiya there, Jim, welcome aboard and by the way, wanna sit in the Captain's chair because it just looks so damn cool?"

The younger Spock is not only quite the emotional fella himself, but is making time with Uhura, Checkoff is 17 and more Russian-mispronounceable than ever, just ask the voice-identifying Enterprise software that can't understand his commands, the new Bones McCoy raises and twitches his brows more than a visit to a crazed optometrist substituting acid for eyedrops would warrant, Mr. Scott has incredibly become a comedian in training...complete with an alien straight-man (?), Sulu is so green and stupid he forgets to let off the emergency brake before liftoff and isn't that side-splitting hilarious, and the aforementioned Jimmy Boy strains so hard to assure us he's a hard drinking, cuss-swearing womanizer that it evokes the good old days when gay guys would at try to seem normal but we'd all catch on at first strut anyway because phony sticks out like a sore thumb.

The good news?

Green bitches!

Young Jim is wrestling atop one before being interrupted by the prim Uhura...who is after all nailing a Vulcan so who is she to talk...a character given more dialogue than usual just to be politically correct, when the old Trek was anything but.

The plot?

Bad evil guy wants revenge. Bad evil guy has planet buster thing and wants Kirk and Spock out of the picture just as soon as he has them squirming enough.

The cartoons...special effects to those who continue to demand they be called that...are pretty good, action is aplenty, and Leonard Nimoy is in the bloody thing so how swell is that.

So then, if the thing makes any money to speak of there'll be another to follow, and don't be surprised if the cast of Dawson's Creek and/or Charmed drop by for some interstellar hijinx.

That's unless Scooby Doo gets first dibs.

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