What If...

Message Received From Deep Space...

Hi. Wow this is awkward and all but we're the beings that created you. And even though we argue about that being the precise term to use, well, we tinkered with the DNA of some arboreal mammals that eventually led to your species so we've agreed not to split hairs and call a spade a spade. We do this a lot, and have been doing it for a little over several billion or so years now. Little schmutz of DNA here, some cell rearranging there, and there you have it. We've always felt that the universe was so cold and alone without other intelligent beings, and that stems from the fact that we were the first ones to realize that someday we would die and pow, it was on to the stars to see who else felt the same way.

Fact of the matter is we've not found any other intelligent species not of our own creation...we stopped using the word design when we heard about the fuss you all were having over it...and being all alone for those billions of years was no fun at all, but at times we've left something of a mess behind us then try to get back to correct the problem before it gets too unwieldy.

And we're truly sorry for not coming back often enough to keep tabs on how you were doing, or even ever for that matter, but the universe is a big place and one galaxy led to another and before we knew it we were receiving fantastic news that proved you'd matured enough to greet us with an open mind.

Not one of us thought that you'd develop this religion deal, and everyone around here is saying, well it never happened before but that's not good enough so please accept our apologies for not phoning home sooner. [one of the techs in the comm-lab said you'd find this funny and we didn't understand but when in Rome...]

So then, okay. There's nothing really all that mysterious about the universe, so sorry if we broke a cherished bubble. It's far larger than you imagine it to be, and since we've been seeding it all of these years it's getting quite full of other intelligent species, some of which are dying to make your acquaintance, but what with this deity problem we've been hesitant to give out your address.

I guess what we're asking is, well, can you play nice? Your deities are forever fighting one another or telling you to fight other people and we're afraid you'd nuke say, a visitor from Alpha Centauri because besides looking like a pogo stick with wheels they have no gods or goddesses and have know from whence they came for quite a long time now and wouldn't want to convert.

Now please don't think of this as a demand, dear heavens no, it's far from it. We could start slow, you know, like exchanging emails and the like until you felt you were ready to welcome the rest of the universe over for a spot of lunch, and oh, that's another thing...faster than light travel is not only possible but believe me, the only way to fly so we could send the schematics just as soon as you wanted. And the bio-lab boys also made me swear not to forget the fact that there's no such a thing as the common cold or cancer or any of those nasty viruses anywhere else in the universe because science wasn't, ahem, stilted for thousands of years, so we'll send the formulae for the cures along with whatever else we think you might have some use for.

Just promise to at least try to keep an open mind about the rest of the universe. We're all excited and hoping to hear from you soon, and how about those White Sox!


Your friendly designer,

Krondalid XXIV

PS: Call me Krondy, all my friends do!

PPS: Yes, the White Sox winning the World Series the year after the Red Sox did was proof positive that earth was ready for change. Then we discovered this Pajamas Media thing and are not so sure anymore.