I really don't know what in particular fanned the flames of this loon, and since my emailed response was returned as undeliverable I thought I'd have a go at replying here.
I've been on both ends of a barrel my fine, frenzied, friend, and cannot ever recall such goings on causing a bowl movement. But if you've got pictures I'm dying to see 'em.
After years of practicing I don't think it'd be much of a stretch to declare myself at least as capable as the more competent members of the constabulary with regards to defending myself against a gremlin. Can still draw, fire, and hit a pie plate at 20' in about a second, and while that's damned ass slow compared to those that do it for fun & profit, it'll have to do. Was lots quicker way back when but didn't mind missing as much as missing pisses me off these days. Or, I could drop to a lesser caliber; hot .40, .45, and .357 loads can wrestle you hither, yon, and back to hither again if you let them, but a 9mm or .380, .32, etc, would certainly result in quicker shots but that'd mean learning the manual of arms all over again.
By and large I've no complaint with my proficiency in the defensive department, but I can sense that you take umbrage at my thoughts and ideas, as opposed to how fast my trigger finger happens to be, and for that there's but one remedy:
Go fuck yourself.