Messenger Exclusive:

Iranians Fault Rice's Dismissal of Letter

The following is a rough translation of the first page in President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's letter to President Bush, and Messenger operatives are continuing to attempt a translation of the remainder:

The most gracious of hello's not to be confused with halo's because as a great satan you of course are without such, but as your television peoples say with aplomb, partly clouded followed by intermittent showers is the best any man can hope for this time of season. I hope the camel-roast weathered the journey well because it was made my own mother and whore of a sister but the girl does wonders with rancid meat and we keep her around for state occasions such as this. I was going to send this letter first to the Rice female but skipped her entirely once my committee of advisors informed me that she was not a california girl of tanned proportion but in fact a former negro slave someone felt would be a humorous thing to name "Rice." Slaves are as necessary as concubines but without knowing which she was to you I did not think to cause offense without first asking so maybe next time she can be our intermediary. So George, if calling you this makes you warm below the meridian and not cold above it, man to man, which is it. Does she brew your tea or warm your pillow and you can answer me in code if this is more proper but first we'd need decoder rings that we could probably purchase from the jews because they are wily creatures that specialize in deceit. As President to President we should be able to talk about such things or what is the use of being the two most powerful men in the world, no? Well, I will be one of such after we finish enriching the radioactivities that has brought my great country to the list of shits in your diary, and that after all it what I wanted to speak with you about. Fornicate the stupid idea of using the radioactivities for fuels as what would Iran need of such, but this is what I think you already know and the reason for your dislike of my gear. But I have a compact to discuss with you and you alone because I am willing to avow that we will construct but two, perhaps three nucleated explosive devices of our improvisations. Then again, all explosive devices are of mans improvisation of else you have found a hand grenade tree, no? See, it is with humorous intent that I lie cozy with you, George, and it is chief among my desires that you should at least give me a reach around. So what if we make maybe three booms? With all the oil we have, Americans people could be pretty sitters for time eternal if only you'd agree that the jews should be destroyed, and I am not an evil man so I don't mean altogether. My advisories tell me that maybe three could send them back to the age of stone and I would go down in history as the greatest of Presidents and you the second greatest. All you'd have to do is avert your glances at us for what, another year? Are we so very beautiful that you cannot take your eyes from us? If so, then thank you for the compliment, but my heart is sworn to Putin for now but who knows what the future might bring? Here is my plans, George, and excuse me for sending the following in code but the covert advisories tell me that all one need do is soak the remaining 17 pages in camel urine and all will be revealed: