Gun Control is for Sissies

by Tommi Avicolli Mecca‚ Apr. 24‚ 2007

" The National Rifle Association (NRA) is right: Guns don’t kill people, people do. And if everyone had a gun, people wouldn’t get killed. Because everyone would be afraid to attack anyone else.

Imagine how safe the world would be. If I saw someone about to snatch someone’s wallet from his pocket, say on a crowded street, I would simply shoot him. Of course there might be a little collateral damage. If someone were wandering around my patio when he shouldn’t be, my trusty metal friend would get rid of him in a hurry. And maybe the bothersome neighbor doing his gardening as well.

It’s not as if anyone would miss a bad guy. Someone who’d snatch a baby from a car or an SUV from a parking lot can’t have family or friends who’d give a damn if he ended up on a slab in the city morgue. Likewise for that kid who grabbed a bag of chips from the corner grocery. He won’t be needing snacks where he’s going.

It makes sense that having more weapons on the planet would solve all of our problems. If some country invades another, the playing field would be level if everyone in both countries had guns. Then everyone could defend themselves against everyone else. Why would anybody dare to step over anyone else’s border? Unless of course they had bigger guns or nuclear weapons.

Think of how good all those guns would be for the economy. With all those gun sales, the arms manufacturers could have the best lobbyists in D.C. They could advocate for all sorts of beneficial measures, such as protecting the rights of people to slaughter every animal on the planet. For sport and food, that is. Who needs Bambi creeping around the picnic grounds when he could be roasting on a grill or hanging in someone’s den?

Good old American competitiveness would boost the sale of arms of all sorts. If everyone had an ordinary old gun, then someone would want a semiautomatic, just to be one up on the next guy. Pretty soon, lots of people would have semiautomatics. Then someone would get a faster and more powerful weapon to top everyone else on the block who merely had semiautomatics. Gotta keep ahead of the Jones.

Eventually neighborhood associations would have nuclear weapons and universities would keep weapons of mass destruction on hand for those students who get all psycho.

Cities would employ Star Wars-type satellite defense systems to zap perverts having sex in parks or vagrants sleeping on the sidewalks. Not to be left behind, the feds would develop photon torpedoes (a la Star Trek). The next time the mayor of San Francisco decides to defy the law and allow Mormons to have more than one wife, the president could order the problem taken care of. The advantage of photon torpedoes is that they don’t leave behind messy bodies or partially standing buildings.

Gun control is for sissies."

Tommi Avicolli Mecca is a radical, southern Italian, working-class, atheist queer performer and writer whose work can be viewed at www.avicollimecca.com.

Indeed. I'm sure that lil Tommi offered the above as a tongue-in-cheek essay on gun control, but the poor lad is so far removed from the realities of life in planet America as to be rendered insensate as to the real world.

Guns ARE good for the economy. Hell, collectively we own over 200 million of them that must be purchased, fed, fired, and cleaned. The Billary years were tough and then came the BATFE with renewed vigor in its quest to put an end to gunshops, communist enclaves in Ill-Annoy and Kalifornia and NYC Iowa, yes, Iowa too, are doing their level best to turn the nation that won WWII into a treehugger's paradise, but eventually we'll rid ourselves of their intrusions into liberty as well.

In a great many ways we've weathered the storm. And come back to the light stronger and more united than ever. Sure, we've the Fudds to deal with, the enemies from within who would Zumbo us at every turn, but there have and always will be the traitors who wish for their little slice of the world to remain pristine while they shite upon their brothers in arms. I'm an admitted Pollyanna when it comes to all this, so sue me. Patriotism was instilled in me from birth and there is no feeling of superiority towards those I worked for. Unlike modern law enforcement that believes itself to be special, most of the military men I've known never forgot who the real boss is. You hired me for a job I did as best I could, but was, and remain, a public servant glad to be here. But of course I wish they'd let me play with the toys I grew to manhood learning to operate, and I guess there's a little resentment in leaving blood and guts in many climes and places only to be then told I'm not good enough any more to be trusted with modern armaments, but like the Frenchies say, who gives a fuck.

The Founders did the impossible. The nation they birthed remains a day to day experiment in fortitude and we'll be damned if it's raise-the-white-flag time every time some nutcase tries ruining it for us. We ARE a nation of rifleman, no matter what the commies say, and who doesn't enjoy a good scrape now and again so bring it on. And just so Tommi knows, it's the military that comes up with the best ideas on designing weapons, not any keeping up with the Jones's because the really good stuff is way expensive to research and manufacture, but guess what?

The military is us. We DO happen to have the best gear in the world because the Jones's we fight happen to live in the middle east and the former Soviet Union, and Red China and North Korea.
Take your best shot, Tommi. All we ask is a level playing field and it's no contest. Hell, it might even be getting damned close to another revolution of sorts, and I'll put my money on the armed over the unarmed any day.

Tommi's silly rant was sent from our brother in arms: A Keyboard And A .45