Kong

At long last rented the DVD. It went from a must-see to a so-so upon hearing bad reviews from those who's opinion I valued, but it was a lazy Saturday morning so Lisa and I decided to have a look at just how gay the new King truly was.

It's old news that director Peter Jackson had long yearned to create his own version of the greatest monster movie of all time, and while he does terrible work portraying genuine emotions, the man is a true cinematographer with a keen eye for the scene of it all. His action sequences from the Rings Trilogy were well done, but the inherited Brit confusion for all things masculine turned many Tolkien fans off, and such was the criticism of King Kong.

But, I thought, there were no Hobbits to engay, no confused actors to wring one final tear from, and while liberal Hollywooders simply love finding the DEEP MEANING in things,the original Kong was a monster movie that made one throwaway mention of Beauty and the Beast just to see if it might draw a woman or two to go see it again. Some things simply HAVE no hidden agenda, and thats how I like my fast-food-rock-'em-sock-'em action flicks. It isn't transferring the work of Tolstoy now, it isn't even De Laurentis weeping that "When Jaws a'die, nobody cry, but when Kong a'die everybodies cry."

The Cast: Jack Black is not a dramatic actor. By any stretch of anyone's imagination. He's a modern day Lou Costello with a potty mouth, so there goes the original persona of the Carl Denham character. This was obvious going in, but I wanted to see just HOW comedic Jackson had to take this movie to fit around Black's natural bent...ONLY bent...for acting.

So cue the pratfall music and the double-takes and the snide asides. But they didn't work because Black remained trapped within a character he did not have a handle on, as this was a job for a professional, not a comic. So I disliked him from the get-go. But that's okay, every movie SHOULD have the guy you root against, so on to the rest of the cast.

Adrian Brody. All 120 lbs of Adrian Brody...most of it nose...enters stage left as the leading man, but since he's an anorexic it didn't wash. Yes, he gives good forlorn, but is clueless about heroic. Naomi Watts has two emotions she keeps in careful check lest they take her to theatrical places she's never been before, but was successful in looking sad, and more sad. I do imagine that there must have been a Who-Can-Be-The Skinniest contest between her and Adrian, but to be fair they both did such a swell job of emulating cadavers this must be declared a tie.

She falls in love with King Kong, because, after all, he bests several Tyranosaurs after smacking her around a bit, and since this is typically female I have no quibble with that.

The crew, well, the crew consists of one wide-eyed sailor after another manning the Deer-In-The-Headlights tramp steamer that sails to bring 'em back alive, and here the Jackson group hug effect was most pronounced. Seasoned veterans look to their tasks when removing the shit from the fan, but their looks of enfrozened horror would have been far more suited to a boatload of nuns than seafaring men. It was easy for me to see why many reviewers were repelled by an instant replay of the effeminate Hobbit syndrome, but it really wasn't as bad as I thought, most likely because I was prepared for such goings on.

The Plot: Moviemaker Carl Denham is hounded by creditors and must flee New York. He tricks his screenwriter to stay aboard as the steamer sails, and off they rumble until hitting...literally... upon Skull Island. They find far more than was bargained for, as unruly natives capture Ann Driscoll to feed her to the island's top of the food chain.

But enough about the bit players. The movie is about a big gorilla, and I didn't mind the Jack Palance version of the beast, not at all. He's big and scarred and ornery, and was so surprised that Ann Driscoll could take such a pounding that he fell deeply in love with her. This is traditionally male, so it was good to go. He bashes her from pillar to post, but lo and behold the gal can juggle so this amuses him to no end, and amidst the bones of his former brides, he decides that she is indeed a keeper. At this point, the slapstick score finally changes to something more appropriate for an action/adventure flick, but I kept wondering whether Elton John's "Island Girl" could have segued to "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" as Anna And The King stop to reflect upon a most lovely sunset.

Kong himself was done reasonably well. Too out of proportion, too, yes...too SKINNY just like Brody and Watts, but the animators did a good job in presenting one rousing cartoon, especially when he's busting cap with the dinosaurs and giant bats. Action IS Jackson's bag, and he doesn't let you down in this regard. The writing was horrid, the acting putrid, but the scenery was damned good, outside of a NYC that was far too original Batman'y for my tastes.

King Kong kicks ass. Forget the laws of physics and imagine a 30' gorilla swinging like Johnny Weismuller in his prime. King Kong the creature, that is, not King Kong the movie.

King Kong the movie is a decent enough rental but were it not for the modern day cartoonists Peter Jackson's giant ape would have been one of the worst big budget flicks of all time, and I looked and looked but there was no evidence of Jennifer Lopez OR Ben Affleck so there's no reason the effort should have been anywhere near this bad.

There's a difference, a HUGE difference between larger than life and caricature. But here we've been handed the Vaudeville version of what could have been a really good feature film.

Jack Black. Adrian Brody. Naomi Watts. He hand picked them all. I'm awaiting Lisa's final say on whether or not it was chick-fodder, but this is not a guy-flick. Dino's, apes, skinny blondes, guns...lotsa guns...and it isn't a guy-flick.

Heretofore, I wouldn't have believed it possible.

PS: Peter Jackson is shopping an EXTENDED version of King Kong, with an additional 40 minutes of deleted scenes. 3 hours and 8 minutes, and he wants to prolong the agony even longer with more closeups of Jack Black trying to pretend that he's thinking. Great.