Got This From Hammer

1. My uncle once caught me doing an earlier version of Ferris Buehler's day off when I was supposed to be home sick.

2. Never in my life have I had sex with a man.

3. When I was five I was tossed out of kindergarten for sneaking into the girls playhouse

4. High school was the most fun I've ever had with my clothes on. Until I saw Bangkok of course.

5. I will never forget to double tap.

6. Once I met Carlos Hathcock. Who taught me how to double tap.

7. There’s this boy I know who as part of a fraternity hazing stopped by the house the other day to knock on the door then see if he could make it out alive.

8. Once, at a bar, me and 2 pals sent 11 hippies to the emergency room after they said nasty things about the Marine Corps.

9. By noon, I'm ready for a nap.

10. Last night I stopped vomiting for the first time in days.

11. If only I had at least 1 M-60 because there are still holes in the perimeter defense of Fort Fits.

12. Next time I go to church will be to light a candle as I do on all Marine Corps birthdays.

13. What worries me most is when I forget to worry.

14. When I turn my head left I can just about see through the partially closed blinds and out into the yard where the bushes hide the electrified fencing.

15. When I turn my head right there's still ammo spilled all over the top of the book shelf and I gotta remember to clean it up.

16. You know I’m lying when I say, I'm open-minded about democrats.

17. What I miss most about the Eighties is that it didn't end January 2, 1980.

18. If I were a character in Shakespeare it would be Cicero.

19. By this time next year I'll hopefully have that M-60.

20. A better name for me would be : Jubilation T. Cornpone.

21. I have a hard time understanding why the people who hate everything America stands for just don't move somewheres else.

22. If I ever go back to school, I'll get to see just how cleverly concealed my ankle holsters really are.

23. You know I like you if I let you touch my guns.

24. If I ever won an award, the first person I would thank would be my wife.

25. Take my advice, never call a Sicilian an eye-talion.