"All we here is how effective a 12 guage shotgun can be, and I am not all that large but my wife is not 100 pounds soacking wet and wouldn't this be too much gun for her to have to protect herself with..."
Probably. Only she can answer that by shooting one, but all things being equal I've seen far too many gracile people forcing themselves to use something akin to a 12 gauge. Especially when a slug from a 20 gauge is the ballistic twin of a 454 Casull, and a 3" shotshell with 20 pellets of #3 buck skipping out at 1200 fps is far from something to sneeze at. Or 1 ounce of #4 shot at 1300 fps, yadda yadda, blah blah. The kick from a 20 is far more manageable, especially if you add a decent recoil pad at the shoulder end of the furniture.
Don't feel as if a shotgun in 12 gauge is the be-all, end-all. As in all endeavors where money changes hands, it is advisable to try it before you buy it, and starting her shotgun experience with a 12 just might sour her on the idea for good. If it boils down to shotguns being totally out of the question for home defense, it's back to the drawing board and we can take it from the top by offering other alternatives.
Never despair. There's something for everyone.
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