Hogs Begone

Whilst being caught in one of the worst brushfires in modern Floridian history, the intrepid Hirsute Hog Hunters discovered that the areas gators are amassing in numbers to make the Million Man March pale in comparison.

Duh. Blazing woodlands have this tendency to displace the denizens, and our large reptilian carnivores are swimming up, down, and mid-stream to a fair thee well, capturing other fleeing animals in record quantities. According to Eugene, when something so drastic as this occurs, such feeding frenzied gators reach enormous size come late summer and begin yearning for even bigger quarry. I've spoken of the gator cull scheduled for late August, and it may very well be the only critter shooting I'll do all summer. The alligators are pouncing forth from their watery demesne and dragging full sized hogs back in with them. If this lust for blubber continues unabated, the Slaughter brothers avow that the invigorated reptiles will then begin searching for other large mammalian prey, and we all know, or we all SHOULD know what that means.

Lap dogs are a goner. Medium dogs are a goner. And petite women as well. The local prairies are posting warning signs alerting gawkers to the fact that too many gators are on the prowl, but this NEVER deters the distaff minions the slightest bit. We'll all be on the lookout for overly aggressive reptiles, because no one wants another hispanic female cull to begin, but don't be surprised to see those horrific tales of slaughter should the crafty beasts sneak past our guard. The good thing about all of this smoke is the fact that the "ohhhhhh...pretty alligatorrrrrrrrr..." petters are staying at home for now and not venturing too far into the foggy wetlands to take pictures of and toss KFC to the ever-hungry lizards. Law enforcement is paying absolutely NO attention to any of this as they vie for camera time in arguing with firefighters on the local news as to who is the most tired from all of this overtime, so as usual it is up to the rank and file to become and remain prepared.

I was really looking forward to this hog hunting, and am more than a little disappointed. The good news is the Governor has promised to have the blaze under control by early spring, 2010, so I guess I'll just keep practicing.