Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Senator Ted Kennedy Prepares For Chappaquiddick Anniversary By Admitting Fault

In an announcement that has stunned virtually all of Washington, Senator Ted Kennedy today offered a formal apology for the drowning death of Mary Jo Kopechne, and contacted law enforcement officials in Martha's Vineyard to once and for all "Set the record straight."

Late in the evening of July 18, 1969, the Senator's car plunged from Dike bridge on Chappaquiddick Island and into the water, killing Miss Mary Jo Kopechne. Today the Senator averred that the combination of his being drunk and receiving oral sex at the time of the accident was what caused the plummet, and that he was fully prepared to not only take any and all punishment meted out by law enforcement, but was also preparing to donate most of his estate to the surviving Kopechne family in order to make some sort of belated reparation for the abhorrent conduct that led to this tragedy.

"I just can't live with myself anymore, " a sobbing Kennedy was said to have told confidantes, "And I just want to set the record straight so that this wonderful young woman can finally rest in peace."

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