Saturday, January 01, 2011

First Cutlery Corner Of 1-11-11!

Tap. Tap. Tap, tap, tap.

As the shitkicker music heralds the intro to Cutlery Corner, the tap-tap-tapping of Todd Boone's run sheet can be heard in the background.

Each, and every time. Tap tap tap. Of course he's aware, of course the cameraman is aware, of course, no, wait. Jim Frost isn't aware of anything but sales numbers. Professionalism is unheard of with regards to these people. Insulting, cheating, stealing from others. Making money off of the clueless. That's what's important.

Most if not all of the infomercial community is like that. They know their clientele well. They don't even have to use sex to sell. Nothing cutting edge, nothing new, nothing from nothing. That's how attuned they are to their customer base.

"Well we got Jodie back from his hi-eat-us." Jodie is Todd Boone's "producer". But really, just his whipping boy. When Todd forgets he does every 10 to 15 minutes or thereabouts...he blames Jodie. If Jodie sees that Todd is struggling and interjects into Todd's earbud, WITHOUT Todd asking for help, Todd tosses a hissie shitfit. If Jodie does NOT, then Todd harangues and insults him.

Todd, you see, is a talentless pussy who was fortunate to hook up with Jim Frost who needed a talentless pussy in order to push his pot-steel products. A professional announcer/host couldn't possibly lie like Todd lies; most unprofessional grifters can't. What Frost found in Boone was a match made in hell. Frost would find the shit to sell and Todd would drool all over it. 

"This is a swing guard lockback, handmade in Solingen, Germany, and its been years since I've seen one of these..."

"Years", as in just this past Wednesday. And here's one I used for a tissue slicing feature back in October. Marked "Frost Cutlery", "Solingen, Germany", and but of course, "Pakistan".  The Chinese and Pakistani's do buy a lot of junk steels from Germany, and this particular knife is made from the German version of 410 or 416 steel; used by REAL knifemakers for liners and pocket clips, but never, ever, blades.

The Swing Guard Lockback can be had brandy new from Cutlery Corner for only $10, and of course twice that much in freight charges.

"And for our Happy New Year sales we've got 134 pieces for only $140. Now there are so many knives here that I don't know the name of and I'm not gonna be takin' the time to go makin' some up..."

Meaning of course that they've received so many Cease and Desist orders of late that old Toddy can't be stealing from anyone else's trademarked name any more, and without cheating he's speechless.

"Now these here mother of pearl handles are going quick and we can't be makin' any before, um, 2012, or 2013, maybe even um, 2014. There's just no mother of pearl around and it takes 7 months just to make one order and um, so I don't know when Jim is makin' the order but it won't be for years or until we git 'em in."

Magnificent Mother of Pearl from Alpha Knife Supply. They can  get you top of the line materials and as much of it as you could ever want. Right here in the good old US of A. Including this along with the link so Jim and Todd and Tom and Sheila don't go losing their jobs for lack of raw materials. 

Now of course this is REAL, high quality mop, far more so than anything Frost has ever even dreamed of using, and since everyone knows you get what you pay for that'd mean old Jim would have to raise his prices. Yeah, now you know I'm just joshing. Frost customers don't care about quality or why else would they be buying the absolute worst knives on planet earth?

Parting Shot

"And you better git on this deal cuz people are buyin' multiples. That means more than one per order. Means two at a time at least. Means that um if say we have 300 knives that doesn't mean 300 people are going to be able to buy these knives. At one apiece. Because multiple orders have to be looked at differently. Or multiple per order I think I mean to be sayin'. Sure, 300 people order one knife apiece that means 300 people can buy one knife at a time. But lets say 150 people buy 2 knives apiece and by apiece I mean at the same time, and then, and then, only 150 people can own these knives and not 300 because no matter how..."

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