Saturday, October 30, 2010

Frost Cutlery Spooktacular

Saturday Morning...10/30/2010...

" we kaint advertise the real prahce a' the nahffs, the mystery nahffs in the mystery box, because the nahffs them-say-elves are too inexpensive."

Bumbling buffoon Mr. James A. Frost trying to sell yet another "nahff" sight unseen, while fracturing the English language and all rules of reason thrown in free of charge. They zoom in on an empty carton, labeled with a faded, blurry, picture of James A. Frost hisseff printed on copy paper and taped to the outside, then swear to high heavens that they're going to put a real nice "nahff" inside. He usually waits for a special event or holiday to run this particular grift, like September 11's show that featured his special Twin Tower Trappers commemorating the attack on the World Trade Center in Manhattan on September 11, 2001.

The wonder of it all is that he doesn't try to sell an amazing Frost spectacular "custom" nahff with a gen-you-wine bone handle made from the actual pieces of bone and gristle found at Ground Zero. What he DOES sell is "Gen-you-wine Red-Indian-Bone Trappers." No comment.

(picture circa 1975. There are no present day photographs of Mr. James A. Frost available to anyone but family members, as per government regulations regarding posting likenesses of individuals who appear to have starred in, or been horribly mutilated in a Snuff-Film)

"...Miss Mary puts a lot a'them nahffs in the box and she has the best box of all."

Stuttering, all but incoherent show host Mr. Tom O'Dell likes to comment upon Miss Mary's "terrific box". Miss Mary is a Frost employee, who, bless her heart and I mean no disrespect, is a "special person" that they like poking fun at. Miss Mary is midget-sized short, stutters as pretty much all of them do, has long black scraggly hair, buck teeth, and a voice resembling a rusty nail across a blackboard. She, of all of them, at least seems to really try her best. (Pic of O'Dell at least 10 years old. Easy to tell, as there is no drool)

", way-el, this particular Nahff is a Stockman, no, a Trapper, wait, a Peanut, or maybe a Folding Hunter..." Say's Mrs. Sheila Travis, Daughter-In-Law to Mr. Tom O'Dell, whose job it is to prevent Mr. O'Dell from saying things like "shit...piss..fuck" on the air, and to tend to him should he soil his trousers. Mrs. Travis is not a professional speaker, or salesperson, or conversant for the reason in having an English language. (photo retouched to indicate Mrs. Travis may very well be, in fact, a real woman. Also known as "Missy-Man-Hands")

"...Now like I say, because of the tape deelay this nahff is gonna be sold out before you Ion viewers even get here, so be sure to order one as soon as you do..." Mr. Todd Boone is the lead host for Cutlery Corner, and where he to be fluent in ANY language would make a terrific spokesman for Invicta watches. 

(Newer cameras at the Frost warehouse (where the show is taped) are of a far better quality than those that were available at the old location, permitting Mr. Boone to at long last see the vines growing from behind his ears. Not known for sartorial splendor but for donning anything that fits and has no visible holes, stains, or skid-marks, Mr. Boone can now at least see when his neck needs washing)

 Frost Cutlery Formula For Success:
ANY fixed knife with a blade greater than 3" (estimated) in length: Custom Bowie. Doesn't matter that Jim Bowie is long dead and they can use his fame as a way to sell butterknives because the folks at Spyderco are very much alive and Frost copies Spyderco designs and even has the stones to refer to the product as a "Sydie", nor is he ashamed to refer to his own assisted opening systems as "Speedsafe", a name that is in fact trademarked by Kershaw.

ANY folding knife with a blade greater than 3" (estimated) in length and featuring a locking mechanism: Folding Hunter. Case and Buck made the Folding Hunter name a household word amongst our great-granddaddies, and rather than explaining what modern knives of a particular design are referred to as today, Frost simply calls anything not a Slip Blade a Folding Hunter.

NEVER divulge the actual length of a blade because states have various laws regarding blade length and who cares if they buy something they can't use.  

ALWAYS try to remember to detail the CLOSED length of a folder, as this hints that the blade might be as long as the handle and therefore worth the price....WITHOUT making a potential customer who DOES happen to know his local laws shy away from being a buyer for fear the steel itself is a no-no. When in doubt: Confuse.

NEVER divulge the true point of manufacture because the uninformed might take exception to knowing that a product  labeled for TV as being made in Germany is in fact really made in China/India/Pakistan. 

TV pitchpersons: Learn to say "GERMAN STEEL...GERMAN STEEL...GERMAN STEEL in your sleep. This way, if you're at a loss to try and describe an otherwise indescribable piece of crap from India, you can always fall back on...yes, you got it...GERMAN STEEL.

After being laughed at each and every week by the tens of thousands of knowledgeable knife aficionados who've caught or heard about the latest show, begin on-air reading of the (fictitious?) names of those who've supposedly sent heartwarming emails praising your product line. Why anyone, in anything resembling a reasonably sane frame of mind, would thank you for selling a knife you claimed was made in Germany, but is in fact stamped MADE IN PAKISTAN, would THANK YOU is yet another mystery of the universe that Einstein himself could not unravel.


Here's how they make a profit. For the bigger deals, Frost actually prices the product at close to his cost, and makes his money on the freight.

Several times, Todd Boone has let it slip that "So you order the nahves at a buck apiece and throw in a dollar a nahff to cover our shipping charges..."

For example, and why they get so few returns: 100 knives...100 bucks. And 100 bucks for shipping. Even with "Flex Pay" a customer is going to lay out $150 to get those 100 knifes, then owe Frost another $50 for the second installment. Return the shipment? Still have to pay the freight...BOTH ways and don't think you're going to search around for a cheap deal from Fed Ex or UPS, either.

Frost stipulates HOW the knives are to be returned, so at a minimum those 100 blades will cost you close to $200 coming then going back. 

That's $300 for those 100 knives, when blade-lust has the illiterate clientele just thinking about that list price of only $100.  So basically, sending them back means you've paid out $200 just to take a look at the knives. Much better off at least trying to sell some of them.

Cost to Frost? $80 for the blades, maybe $50 for the shipping because he gets good deals from his shippers due to the fact that he sends out some 7 million knives a year. 

Volume, volume, then more volume. 7 million pieces of cutlery with an average $.70 profit per item is nothing to sneeze at. And those $12 swords selling for $65 doesn't hurt. Neither does  tens of thousands of "Bowie's" made of butter knife steel and selling for 10 times his cost.

There's a reason Frost Cutlery is NOT a member of the Better Business Bureau, kids.


TJP said...

When I first read your posts on the show, I didn't realize that you were actually *literally* translating/transcribing from the show:

"And the nice thing about these practice katanas....[is their durability?]"

"Six sewer' at one-hunnert fifty bucks, it *is* a katana overload, now ahm'unna teal you wah..."
(warning: youtube user needs to learn how to edit for length)

Sheila, Bucky and Jim: "Showin' you hahw sharp the ka'ans are....Nahntayn nine-y fahv, wayk-en speh-shal."

The best summary of the show possible:

fits said...

Getting more and more difficult to watch, even though they remain too funny to miss. Jim Frost has a built-in audience of degenerate lowlives who believe in him, and that's so wrong in so many ways. Nothing or no one will ever educate the FUDDS and that's that.

Not that smart businessmen can't make a decent buck from Frost products. Fellow at one of the local flea markets orders some of the Frost mega-deals...100 knives for $100..then sets about to sharpening the ever loving shit out of them to make 'em look like they are worth more than fifty cents apiece. Fairly easy to do, because Frost sells such soft steel you can reprofile most of their blades with medium grit sandpaper.

I myself could easily sell more Frost knives than Frost himself were I to do something similar; hang up a big American flag next to one of my full dress uniforms replete with medals, etc, and feature a passel of fixed blades with nasty ass edges that'd bring in the rubes from miles around. But Frost as a company is undeserving of a penny of our money. At a time when every Patriot in the country is doing his best to beat back the encroachment of liberalism, companies like Frost not only do nothing to help us, but use the fear of losing our rights as a way to sell crapass products.

Going to go have a look at the links you left, thanks a lot.

fits said...

The dueling diva's was one of my all time favorites. It came as a direct response to the ever growing criticism of how crappy Frost blades really are.