Wednesday, December 31, 2008

The Top Stories Of 2009...

That Was The Year That Was...A Forward Thinking Backward Look At Some Of The Top Stories Of 2009

Perhaps the biggest surprise of the year was President Obama turning the Lincoln Bedroom into a home away from home for former President George W. Bush. The incoming President made headlines when admitting that neither he nor his transition team had the slightest idea as to how to run a government, and when the outgoing President said he'd "stay on a spell" to help out, supporters of President Obama didn't know whether to take to the streets in protest or simply do as the media has always done when it comes to covering Obama. Simply make like it didn't really happen.

And wasn't it something of a shock to us all when Michelle Obama offered to take over the Oprah Winfrey show while the host was recovering from a month...some say year-long...eating binge that saw her balloon to over 300 pounds. Awe turned to shock as the First Lady herself began gaining weight at a prodigious rate but the show's producers remain steadfast in their belief that even though they do seem to pack on the pounds at an alarming rate when asked to sit down for more than a moment or two during the course of a day, a black woman should continue to sub for Opray until her return.

The world itself did a double-take when environmentalists released news that polar bear populations had swelled to epic proportions, greatly endangering the very existence of certain species of seals. Famous Russian polar bear expert Karol Gedisvostock Boransky, or KGB as he is know to his throng of followers, was forced to imagine a unique way in which to capture and relocate many of the hungry bears. "First you dig through ice and make big wide hole," he offered, "then place cage underneath. Sprinkle seal fat all around opening, and when bear bend over to look in you kick him right in the ice hole."

All of us were stunned when Islamic terrorists kidnapped Secretary of State Hillary Rodham back in early April, and negotiations still continue to determine precisely how much of a ransom should be paid to assure her safe return. The terrorists gang backed off its initial request for several billions of dollars, and as of this printing are discussing amongst themselves whether or not to accept the governments latest offer of three used but serviceable prayer rugs, and a years supply of Billy Mays infomercial Samurai Sharks guaranteed to keep those beheading blades scary-sharp. "There is absolutely no truth to the scurrilous rumor that the terrorists actually offered to pay us to take Mizz Rodham back," chief negotiator Vice President Biden told reporters during a recent press conference, "and I'll redouble my efforts to free the former First Lady via a trade that will be acceptable to both sides."

News just in assures us that Nobel Prize winner Al Gore continues to recover from the avalanche triggered by that freakish snowstorm in Miami last July, and doctors still believe that the king of global warming will soon walk again despite losing both feet to frostbite.

I don't know about you, but I was shocked when Congress began the debate on re instituting another assault weapons ban and we actually managed to march on Washington in over a real, not press-inflated, million strong. And remember how, at the stroke of midnight, we all aimed our poodle shooters to the sky and let loose a barrage that shook the very rafters of those dusty old buildings? Word had it that not only did Congress see the error of it's ways, but that President Obama had to wear "Depends" for days.

Do you have a favorite tale from 2009? Then why not continue the reverie and include it in the comment section.

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