News Item: NFL Calls Off Sunday Night Football Due To Snow Forecast

Philadelphia Eagles General Managers Office: Phone rings. An Assistant to Howie Roseman accepts the call from the local Rotary Club:

Hey Ted, Howie here what's cookin'?

Rotary Club President Ted Ross: Howie did you see the weather report?

Howie Roseman: Yes Teddy I did. The Chamber of Commerce, The Hilton people, they've all called asking about my understanding of what happens when the sky gets too cold to rain and makes snow instead...

Ted Ross: (Interrupting) Howie you've got to cancel the game. Howie everybody's on my ass with this. The high rollers can't get into town and that means the Hotels are sucking wind. To say nothing about your bottom line when your cheapskate local fans show up already toasted and there goes the beer sales and when was the last time one of them walked away with dozens of shirts and balls and frickin Eagle key chains? Howie this is a disaster in the making for everyone...

Howie Roseman: (Interrupting back) Teddy, calm down. This is Philadelphia, Teddy. We've got a commie mayor and a commie board of directors but we're the Eagles Teddy, and that still means the only balls in town my friend. Besides, we owe it to the local fans...

Ted Ross: Oh sweet geez Howie, fuck you, and fuck your balls; Howie fer chrissake this is serious! The networks won't promise not to pan all the empty seats and Goodall's office has been driving us crazy talking about busing in phony fans to make the place look at least half full.

Howie Roseman: Ted. Listen to me. We're the Eagles, Ted. Maybe the fucking Post Office went daisy-chain but neither rain nor hail nor nuclear fucking tipped fucking missiles are going to make me call off the game. Our fans...

Ted Ross: Will you stop already with the fans! Geez Howie, fuck the fans...

Howie Roseman: Teddy listen I gotta go, the Commissioners office is on my other line...

Mr. Roseman's Assistant puts through the call from NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

Howie Roseman: Hello Roger, what can the Eagles do for the Commissioners office today?

Roger Goodell: The game is off, Howie. Call the Network and tell them you've made the decision that for the good of the league and its fans the game cannot be played in such dangerous conditions...

Howie Roseman: What? Roger I can't do that. Tailgating has already begun Roger and I'm not going to be the one to go out there and tell our fans that the Eagles are calling off the game because it might snow a little...

Roger Goodell: This isn't a request, Howie. The NFL stands to lose millions once the hotel chains and the restaurants and the god damned pretzel vendors want their money back from the surcharges we get from them.

Howie Roseman: Roger, please, Roger our fans...most of them have to work the next day and whenever we reschedule will certainly not be good for...

Roger Goodell: Cut the shit, Howie and do as I say. The game is off. Don't be an ass, Howie and grow the fuck up. Money talks and once and for all when will you get it into your head that we run this business with one and one dictate only. FUCK. THE. FANS.