Tuesday, December 20, 2005

How It All Began...

A primer on what the major religions have had to say about creation:


Before the earth (Midgard) was created there was the world of Muspell, a fiery place ruled by Surt, a giant dude with a giant sword. There was this other place called Niflheim and it was just one big glacier. Well, both worlds collided and from the steam there emerged a giant cow who licked things and changed them into other things and from these other things cameth the earth. One day the giant cow and the giant dude noticed that people were walking around, and thought to themselves, how frickin' cool is THIS.


There was this gigunda god called Ahura Mazda, and no, he didn't make cars, he made the earth. The first animal was a beautiful white bull but an evil demon ate the bull and from the bulls seed all sorts of interesting things began to grow. People were one of these things, but the evil demon was still around and ate their children but they went and hid and had more children, and many theologists believe that the first kids were liberals and that's why the demon ate them but this has never really been proven.

Born in Babylonia, Moved To Arizonia

The god of fresh water ran into the god of salt water, and pow, lotsa gods began springing up. Trouble was, the younger gods make one helluva racket and neither the water god nor the salt god could get any sleep so the salt water god killed alla the younger gods and the fresh water god was SO pissed he created monsters to guard any new gods that happened to stop by. Well, then. Lots of infighting and god wars made the gods and the monsters pretty pooped out, so they created man to do the dirty work like farming, and fishing and running for office as a Democrat.

Chariots Of The Gods Or Just Plain Old Egyptians?

Now the Egyptians had so many creation myths nobody even knows how many there were, but one day this god willed himself into being, and finding he had no place to stand, created the earth. He spat out a sun, chundered up a daughter, and bade them to sort all this stuff out and get back to him. They worked really really hard and when the father god saw all they had done he started to cry, and from his tears sprang forth mankind. Later on he had to relive himself, and from this stream sprang forth leftists.

The Aztec Two-Step

The earth mother was this gal so into snakes that she dressed like one, and all was cool until one day she was knocked up by an obsidian knife. From this copulation there sprang the goddess of the moon and 400 sons she sent to the sky to become stars. She stayed far far away from obsidian knives, but one day a feather fell from the sky and, yep, the feather knocked her up too. This time around, a giant sword-wielding dude...in full armor...comes out and he is really really ticked off that he's not an only child so he kills the goddess of the moon, but not to make mommy super-dee-duper pissed, he hurls the decapitated head as high into the sky as he can and it becomes the moon. The rest of her is one big mess and he doesn't want mom to see the carnage, so he buries it and there it stayed underground until Howard Dean sprang forth to run for the Presidency.

China: Gods That Need To Be Worshipped, Then Worshipped AGAIN an Hour Or So Later...

There was this frickin' huge ass cosmic egg that took scazillions of years to hatch, but when it did, the first being emerged, and the leftover yolk became the earth. Now, this wasn't all that steady a place to stand...being an icky old yolk and all... so the dude hadda stand around in one place for a while holding up the sky and making sure the yolk didn't just fall apart, and as he stood there he got a wicked case of the fleas and when he finally died the fleas turned into humans. Some of these flea-people STAYED more like fleas than people and so the Kennedy family name was born.

Made In Japan

The gods got lonely as all gods get lonely when all they have to play with are other gods, so they created people. They figured that a man and a woman would be so cool because then they wouldn't have to strain themselves making any MORE people because the people could make each other. Well, lotsa problems arose as every time they tried to marry these people to one another the female would speak first and that wouldn't do so they got pissed and made more gods instead of people until the people finallygot the marriage ceremony down pat where the woman would STFU until spoken to. Now remember, this was long, long before Nancy Pelosi so give the dudes a break. How could they EVER expect what was to come...

Hindu: Check Out The Broads With All Them Hands...

One day the gods noticed that holy shit, this one being they had created was growing so large he threatened to engulf the entire earth...and no, this wasn't Michael Moore but you were close...so the gods had to sacrifice the dude. Problem was, the parts took on a life all their own and from his genitals sprang Shiva the Destroyer who wastes the earth to cinders every 4 and a half billion years or so, and we're half the frig way there since the last extinction so vote Republican while you can.

The Greeks! Yay Hercules!

Okay, so there was the earth mother, Gaia. Like all broads she got super cold all the time so she created Uranus, the sky, to protect her frozened little feetsies. And not only was Uranus warm he was damned fertile, and word has it the dude was like huge ya know, and from this union sprang all kinds of gods and monsters, and Titans, until finally Zeus came along and was sick of seeing old mom screwing the neighborhood to beat the band and took the whole gig over for himself. The Titans just wouldn't settle down though, so Zeus dug this frickin' huge ass hole in the ground and tossed them in. Problem is, the hole turned out to be where the New Orleans levees were, so when they melted away the Titans jumped out, free at last to tell the media how the whole thing was the Presidents fault, but to the President credit, he didn't do like Zeus and just sent them off to Congress where there were plenty of people with experience in dealing with horrible bickering monsters.

Judeo-Christian-Islam...The Latest And Most Fought Over...

Within Genesis there are two tales of how god made it all, sort of like - well then, would you believe this? God says let there be light, works his butt off for 6 days then clocks out for a much needed rest. In the second version, god makes Adam but after a time Adam gets lonely so god sneaks up on him while he's sleeping and steals a rib so's he can make Eve. And we ALL know how that worked out. The devil remembers how much trouble the Japanese had with the gals not listening to their masters, and he's pissed that god has these new toys to play with and isn't even calling him anymores, so he entices her into eating god's favorite apples and that's all she wrote. They left the Garden of Eden, had lotsa kids that coupled with one another and they had lotsa other kids. Some were obviously retarded due to all of this inbreeding and they became the line that begat liberals.

Great stories, all, but come on now, not a one of them even figured out that some of the lights in the sky were other planets and not stars, or that the earth revolved aroound the sun, or that the earth couldn't have 4 corners because it is a sphere, and tons more stuff, but the old timers didn't know squat about how the universe really worked. Fast forward to today, and we can't give the same benefit of the doubt to the total asshats who should know better. Well, Darwin never said that EVERYONE hadda evolve.

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